“Oh God, can he see the cellulite on my butt from there!?”
“Wow, look at those rolls of fat on my belly in this position!”
“Ewww, my boobs must look so weird from that angle.”
Have you ever had thoughts like that during sex?
I’d say that most women have, at some point.
We do live in a culture where our natural bodies aren’t always celebrated and honoured and there’s strong cultural conditioning that we’re supposed to look a certain way to be ‘sexy’.
Heels. Sexy lingerie. The right make-up. Starve yourself for a week to fit into THAT dress for the date. Work out more often to get toned. Get rid of that baby belly quick smart!
But sexy isn’t something you look like, it’s something you are.
How do you tell if your body image is impacting your sex life?
Here are some questions that might help you find out…
- Do you insist on only having sex with the lights off?
- Do you prefer to have sex in certain positions that seem more flattering for your body?
- Do you ever avoid sex completely because of all the awful self-judgement you’ll need to deal with?
- During sex with a partner, are you frequently thinking about whether or not your body looks good enough?
- Do you think that your partner secretly wishes they could be with someone thinner / hotter / with bigger boobs than you?
If any of this is sounding a little too familiar… Never fear, these are my top tips to keep the self-judgement OUT of the bedroom and bring back your mojo!
- Every time you notice yourself judging your body as you look in a mirror, pause, breathe and see if you could say something loving instead. Something you can genuinely FEEL, not something totally hollow. It could be “Nice smile, sexy!” or “Mmm those shoulders”… or “beautiful cleavage!” Isn’t it interesting how much harder it is to give ourselves compliments than to criticise!
- Don’t turn up to date night feeling disconnected from your body. Do something before that will help you feel sexy and lushed up. Go for a walk, stretch a little, dance to a song that gets you feeling juicy, have a luxurious bath – whatever gets you feeling IN your body. You can only judge your body from your mind
- If your particular body image journey also relates to the appearance of your genitals, check out the labia library to get a different picture than the one we are fed in porn and the media. All vaginas are different and beautiful in their own way!
- Try different kinds of soft mood lighting. There’s nothing more flattering than candlelight or low, soft lighting – like decorative fairy lights (not the crazy flashing Christmas ones – eeek!).There’s a whole sensory world of visual stimulation that you’re missing out on if you’re only having sex in pitch black darkness.
- Focus on those parts of your body that you DO naturally love. Whatever they are… Maybe it’s your legs. Or your curvy waist, your round butt, your soft breasts that nourished your babies, your gorgeous face or your succulent lips. You get the picture, there’s definitely some areas of your body that you’re probably pretty damn grateful for.
- Whenever you’re aware that you’ve gone down the self-judgement road during intimacy with a partner, pause, breathe and bring your complete awareness to the sensations in your body. Notice how you’re feeling in your body. See what feels pleasurable. When you’re experiencing beautiful bliss-filled pleasure sensations, you won’t be even thinking about criticising your body!
- Have a Yoni Mapping Therapy session with a highly trained practitioner. Yoni Mapping Therapy is a holistic pelvic wellness modality created by women, for women. It’s designed to support you to connect deeply to your own body, to let go of old sticky stuff and step forward with confidence in your relationship with your lady-parts and your sexuality.
{Words by Bonnie Bliss}
